July 12, 2016

In our intimate relationships at some moment we might realize that things are different from what we wished them to be. After months or years together things might start to change without us understanding the dynamics behind what is going on. For example, we might feel irritated and angry with our partner, and engage in fights after which we feel hurt, lonely, and not understood.

In reality our emotions and reactions often cover other deeper and more authentic feelings and concerns. For example, the angry accusations, the excessive dependency on the other, or the emotional withdrawal might be an unconscious way to express our deep preoccupation about fundamental questions like: Are you really committed to our relationship, or are you with me just until you find another partner you might consider more suitable? Can I really trust you and rely on you? Are you there for me, emotionally present and emotionally available to really understand me and support me when I need you? Do you want to change me in what you think I should be or do you appreciate me for what I am, for my unique being and potential, and not for what you might imagine me to be?

So the problematic behaviors in our relationship are often a disguised representation of our unconscious fears and deep human needs. We have to address them and work with them, sometimes using the help of a qualified counselor, so that we give our relationship a chance to sustain the test and develop as a positive, loving and supportive environment for both partners.